Smack Zone — Bears Fans

[caption id="attachment_1153" align="aligncenter" width="474"] Ugh. The Packers. Amirite?[/caption] This is a recurring Smack Zone educational series focused on assisting fans to take down their rivals in a sports bar argument. We've hit the Yankees and the Patriots so far. Today, we turn our attention to the arrogant, obtuse, beer-and-bratwurst-addled, loyal, friendly, passionate, and intelligent fan base of the Green Bay Packers. Wait, what? Yeah, we're a bit torn on this one. Read on for an explanation.

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All right, it’s possible we’ve bitten off more cheddar here than we can chew. The Green Bay Packers are, after all, the Great American Sports Success Story. A little town at the mouth of the Fox River, perched on the lip of Lake Michigan, way up north in ‘Sconsin. A meat-packing town, a town of beer and bratwurst and large, Nordic traditions. Oh, by the way … Title Town. It’s true, you know. The Packers have won 15 league championships in their history, including 11 before the Super Bowl became the standard for greatness 50 years ago. And of course, there are those four Super Bowls – including the first two played. I mean, what can you say that’s bad about the Packers? The Packers are Lombardi, Starr, Favre, Reggie, Nitschke and Hornung. They are Lambeau Field, the Frozen Tundra, and tailgating for days. They are the little team that could in the little town that said, “You know what? We’re going to own this.” And they do own it – the public ownership structure of the Green Bay Packers is unique in major American sports. The people in the stands aren’t just fans, they’re team owners. Sort of. Green Bay is a real, nice place with real, nice people. A place where they love their football team so much, it’s more religion than sport. How can we possibly argue against that? Oh, I guess we’ll just have to give it our best shot, eh?

1. We’ll start with what remains one of the creepiest celebrations in sports, made even worse by its adoption in those Discount Double Check commercials:

2. It’s too damn cold. The average low temperature in Green Bay in January is 14. Enough said. [caption id="attachment_1156" align="aligncenter" width="300"] So, so cold. @Karen54301[/caption]
3. Cheese clothes.

Seriously?

4. Bratwurst kills. The average saturated fat content of an 85-gram bratwurst is 9 grams, 43 percent of the recommended daily intake of saturated fat. Furthermore, the average brat contains 65 milligrams of cholesterol and 720 milligrams of sodium. Basically, a bratwurst is an edible heart attack.

5. “Binge drinking is a sport in Wisconsin.” – Former Brown County Sheriff’s Office patrol captain. This is a serious problem. Seriously: Binge Drinking in State Still Far Exceeds U.S. Average

6. Anti-Packers Facebook pages also are a sport in Wisconsin: Green Bay Packers Suck, Anti-Green Bay Packers Memes, Official Anti-Green Bay Packers Fan Club.

Aw, hell. You know what? This is hopeless. The Packers are just too good, their fans too nice, their stadium too historic, their atmosphere too epic, their beer too cold, their food too tasty. We can’t do it. We can’t win an argument with a Packers fan. If only someone – SOMEONE – in the world could craft the ultimate anti-Packers tome. If only someone smarter and more handsome than us could eviscerate Packer Nation with well-honed prose and sublime video clips. If only someone could capture the pure, helpless angst that swept through the land of the Cheeseheads after last year’s NFC Championship Game collapse against the Seahawks. If only … wait. Oh. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Drew Magary. The world owes you a debt of gratitude. And a beer. Green Bay Packers: Why Your Team Sucks 2015. Case closed.