Smack Zone — Football

Well, here we go again! Lane Kiffin just can’t stay out of the news. He had a pretty solid and drama-free year last season at Alabama. He probably thought to himself “I need to fix this.” But ... Along came the Internet on Thursday. Rumors swirled yesterday that Kiffin was fooling around with Nick Saban’s daughter, or the wife of a prominent Bama booster, and was about to be fired or resign. These are all rumors that haven’t been proven. And they came in the wake of a silly loss against Ole Miss. And Kiffin just seems to attract controversy wherever he goes. It's like some kind of freaky law of football nature. Got Lane? Got trouble. This just brought to mind some of Kiffin’s worst moments as a football coach. Namely, the end of the chapters at Oakland, Tennessee and Southern Cal:

1. His time as the Oakland Raiders head coach lasted just one season-plus. Oakland went 4-12 his first year, and Al Davis wanted to fire Kiffin on the spot. Things got ugly after that. He was fired four weeks into his second season and had a final record of 5-15. There was a war of words in the media between Davis and Kiffin. Davis referred to Kiffin as a “flat-out liar” who “brought disgrace to the organization.” *mic drop*

2. The University of Tennessee head coach ... who can forget his one year in Knoxville? He had a couple of shining moments during his year. He called out Urban Meyer for a potential recruiting violation, but while Meyer did nothing wrong, Kiffin actually made a mistake by naming the recruit by name, which is illegal. He also said that if Alshon Jeffrey went to South Carolina, he would “end up pumping gas for the rest of his life like all other players from that state who had gone to South Carolina.” Whoops! I guess Jeffrey, the NFL, the Chicago Bears and millions of fantasy players disagree with that. Oh, and he bolted to USC after one year, which caused Vols students to riot and set small fires on campus. Stay classy, Lane!

3. Head coach at USC --  We guess Lane learned a couple lessons, because his time at USC was fairly quiet even for him, and the longest tenured job he had. USC was entangled in the whole Reggie Bush scandal when Kiffin took over, so the team wasn’t bowl eligible in any of his years there. In 2011, his second season, the Trojans went 10-2, but it was all downhill after that. In 2012, Kiffin became the first coach to take the preseason No. 1 team to unranked at the end of the season. We're no experts, but that’s not very good. The next year, after a blowout loss to Arizona State, Kiffin was fired at the airport after the game. USC couldn’t wait to fire this guy!

The life and times of Lane Kiffin. Never a dull moment. He even got the harshest Tosh.0 treatment we can remember for an SEC offensive coordinator. This video is bleeped, for the most part, but it is NOT SAFE FOR WORK because there are other, un-bleeped words that generally are uttered by Lane Kiffin's employers after a month or two. But first, Daniel Tosh's official statement on the ongoing controversy, courtesy of the miracle of Twitter:

for the record, i have never slept with a booster’s wife, a coach’s wife, or saban’s daughter. i only have eyes for lane kiffin’s wife.

— daniel tosh (@danieltosh) September 24, 2015

Without further ado, the Tosh.0 Lane Kiffin epic (again NSFW, people!): [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TvJy2Ot48M]

Florida hosts the University of Tennessee Saturday. Once upon a time, that meant Steve Spurrier would be in his element. The undisputed king of college football smack cut his teeth at UF on former UT coach Phillip Fulmer's backside: "You can't spell Citrus [Bowl] without U-T." He made mincemeat of Peyton Manning. "I know why Peyton came back for his senior year. He wanted to be a three-time star of the Citrus Bowl." Spurrier's swagger at Florida always seemed calculated to give the Vols an inferiority complex. It worked, you know: Prior to coming to South Carolina, he was 9-4 against Tennessee -- including five in a row in 1993-97. The Ole Ball Coach even turned the non-existent rivalry between South Carolina and the Vols into something. Since taking over the Gamecocks, Spurrier is 5-5 against UT; before he came to Columbia, South Carolina was 2-19-2 all-time against the Vols. But no one outside of Knoxville and Central South Carolina cares about Gamecocks-Volunteers. This is about the Gators and the Vols, and about Spurrier's delicious habit of smacking down his old rivals. Which brings us to this week. Florida-UT no longer carries the luster it once did. The national title is not on the line this weekend. The Gators will turn the Swamp blue tomorrow, but so what? It's just not the same as when Spurrier prowled the sideline, scowling and chucking his visor and generally wearing his arrogance like a comfortable old pair of boots. Let's revisit some of the all-time great moments in Spurrier history, shall we? It'll probably be more entertaining that tomorrow's UF-UT game -- unless you're really into blue. WATERMELON [caption id="attachment_1095" align="aligncenter" width="400"] That is a MIGHTY good watermelon.[/caption] NEARLY THREW IT [caption id="attachment_1096" align="aligncenter" width="443"] He wanted to throw it. See? He does have self-control.[/caption] DEAL WITH IT [wpvideo qGkhPqsX] SO ... YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE? [caption id="attachment_1100" align="aligncenter" width="360"] Yes. YES![/caption] CAPTION THIS [caption id="attachment_1101" align="aligncenter" width="267"] I betcha I could win a Super Bowl in Washington ...[/caption] STILL GOT IT [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkOIAD2eI0A]

Meet 7-foot, 440-pound John Krahn, perhaps the biggest football player of all-time http://t.co/5goEgQcaIv pic.twitter.com/fP9gLURUUT

— MaxPreps (@MaxPreps) September 24, 2015

Aaron Gibson might have met his match. America, meet John Krahn, a 7-foot, 440 pound (!!) lineman. Oh, just in case you were wondering, he is a senior in high school. He is one of the largest human beings on earth and still has to ask permission to use the restroom at school. Gibson is widely considered the largest NFL player of all time, at 6-foot-9, 410 pounds. Krahn only started playing football in high school, so he’s a long way from that NFL dream. If that doesn’t work out, he could be the next superstar for the WWE. He is bigger than the Paul “the Big Show” Wight, and we’re sure with a last name of Krahn, he can come up with a good wrestling name. Just off the top of our heads, King Krahn would fit the bill. We don’t envy any of the high schoolers that have to go against him. As soon as the ball is hiked, he can probably just reach and tackle the QB without breaking a sweat. California high school football players beware the NEXT BIG THING! King Krahn has been crowned (hat size: we’d guess about a 9, give or take a ¼). [caption id="attachment_1086" align="aligncenter" width="197"] Gilbert Brown had a burger named after him in Green Bay. Another professional aspiration for King Krahn.[/caption]  

[caption id="attachment_1078" align="alignright" width="200"] Ladies and gentlemen, your Super Bowl LX MVP ... Tom Brady. (Illustration: Aging Booth)[/caption] Tom Brady has said he wants to continue to cheat ... WE MEAN play in the NFL until he's 50. Of course, that's never been done. But nothing is impossible for Brady, right Pats fans? Anything George Blanda can do, Tom can do better. Blanda, you'll recall, was the oldest player in NFL history at age 48. Here's a list of every player to participate in the league in his 40s: Players in their 40s. It's not a big list. But listen ... this is Brady we're talking about. The rules don't apply. Clearly. Hold on, though. Now, Brady is saying maybe he WON'T play until he's 50. "That might be a little bit of a reach at this point, but hopefully it’s a lot more than what people would typically predict," Brady told reporters in New England on Wednesday. "A lot of it is … there’s a lot of luck involved. It’s a contact sport, but I try to do my best to take care of myself and put myself in a position where I can rebound from injuries and avoid them as best as possible. So, sometimes it’s hard to do. You get caught in some tough positions because, like I said, it’s a contact sport, but hopefully I can play for a long time." Ah, come on, Tom. Who are you kidding? You know he'll be out there 12 years from now, slinging the ball around to an ancient and gnarled (but still dominant) Gronk, finding new, creative ways to NOT cheat. He's only 38 now, so it's a comfort to know we can look forward to the many, many Patriots controversies in the years to come: Broken Hip-gate, Walker-gate, Geritol-gate, Early Bird Special-gate, I've-fallen-and-I-can't-get-up-gate ... oh, the possibilities. Who knows? Maybe he'll win rings for all 10 fingers before it's over. [caption id="attachment_1079" align="aligncenter" width="200"] Image: Giphy[/caption]