Smack Zone — Smack Talk

We're suckers for silliness. When we came across this video, we figured it would be a bit funny, maybe even bordering on boorish. It's a British production, after all, and if history has taught us anything, it's that all British comedy is derivative of Monty Python. And our suspicions proved correct, for the most part. It's not LOL funny, exactly, but it is kind of haha funny. And then we reached the part about Deportivo Wanka, and our inner 12-year-old kid took over. We had never heard of the Peruvian soccer club, but now we have a new favorite terrible team name: Viva los Wankeros! Enjoy! [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP-CANYRwhk]

[caption id="attachment_1153" align="aligncenter" width="474"] Ugh. The Packers. Amirite?[/caption] This is a recurring Smack Zone educational series focused on assisting fans to take down their rivals in a sports bar argument. We've hit the Yankees and the Patriots so far. Today, we turn our attention to the arrogant, obtuse, beer-and-bratwurst-addled, loyal, friendly, passionate, and intelligent fan base of the Green Bay Packers. Wait, what? Yeah, we're a bit torn on this one. Read on for an explanation.

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All right, it’s possible we’ve bitten off more cheddar here than we can chew. The Green Bay Packers are, after all, the Great American Sports Success Story. A little town at the mouth of the Fox River, perched on the lip of Lake Michigan, way up north in ‘Sconsin. A meat-packing town, a town of beer and bratwurst and large, Nordic traditions. Oh, by the way … Title Town. It’s true, you know. The Packers have won 15 league championships in their history, including 11 before the Super Bowl became the standard for greatness 50 years ago. And of course, there are those four Super Bowls – including the first two played. I mean, what can you say that’s bad about the Packers? The Packers are Lombardi, Starr, Favre, Reggie, Nitschke and Hornung. They are Lambeau Field, the Frozen Tundra, and tailgating for days. They are the little team that could in the little town that said, “You know what? We’re going to own this.” And they do own it – the public ownership structure of the Green Bay Packers is unique in major American sports. The people in the stands aren’t just fans, they’re team owners. Sort of. Green Bay is a real, nice place with real, nice people. A place where they love their football team so much, it’s more religion than sport. How can we possibly argue against that? Oh, I guess we’ll just have to give it our best shot, eh?

1. We’ll start with what remains one of the creepiest celebrations in sports, made even worse by its adoption in those Discount Double Check commercials:

2. It’s too damn cold. The average low temperature in Green Bay in January is 14. Enough said. [caption id="attachment_1156" align="aligncenter" width="300"] So, so cold. @Karen54301[/caption]
3. Cheese clothes.

Seriously?

4. Bratwurst kills. The average saturated fat content of an 85-gram bratwurst is 9 grams, 43 percent of the recommended daily intake of saturated fat. Furthermore, the average brat contains 65 milligrams of cholesterol and 720 milligrams of sodium. Basically, a bratwurst is an edible heart attack.

5. “Binge drinking is a sport in Wisconsin.” – Former Brown County Sheriff’s Office patrol captain. This is a serious problem. Seriously: Binge Drinking in State Still Far Exceeds U.S. Average

6. Anti-Packers Facebook pages also are a sport in Wisconsin: Green Bay Packers Suck, Anti-Green Bay Packers Memes, Official Anti-Green Bay Packers Fan Club.

Aw, hell. You know what? This is hopeless. The Packers are just too good, their fans too nice, their stadium too historic, their atmosphere too epic, their beer too cold, their food too tasty. We can’t do it. We can’t win an argument with a Packers fan. If only someone – SOMEONE – in the world could craft the ultimate anti-Packers tome. If only someone smarter and more handsome than us could eviscerate Packer Nation with well-honed prose and sublime video clips. If only someone could capture the pure, helpless angst that swept through the land of the Cheeseheads after last year’s NFC Championship Game collapse against the Seahawks. If only … wait. Oh. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Drew Magary. The world owes you a debt of gratitude. And a beer. Green Bay Packers: Why Your Team Sucks 2015. Case closed.

[caption id="attachment_1128" align="alignright" width="300"] Papelbon: "Hey, bro, run that out!" Harper: "Hey, bro, F you!" Papelbon: "No, bro, F you!" And then they danced.[/caption] So, the Washington Nationals' star player didn't exactly bust it down the line on a can-o-corn pop-out late in yet another disappointing chapter in what was supposed to be their year. It's Bryce Harper, dude. He's going to be the National League's MVP this year -- and many more years in the future. Surely, he can jog one out here and there? Um, no. That's not the way it's done. That's a BS way to play the game, and anybody who knows baseball knows that. Cubs manager Joe Maddon, during his time with the Rays, was known to pull dudes on the spot for not busting it down the first-base line. You going to argue with Joe Ma about the unwritten rules of the game? Hustle is mandatory, and you'd think a manager like Matt Williams, who was known to be a hard-ass as a player, would want more from his young leader. And maybe Williams might have said something later. But ... Then, recently acquired closer Jonathan Papelbon decided to "show leadership." Bad idea. Remember Harper's snide response to a reporter's question a few years ago? "That's a clown question, bro." You know what? The Nationals are now perceived as a clown team, bro. That's a reflection of Williams, certainly, but at some point the superstar needs to step up and stop acting like a nonchalant kid. This piece for Fox Sports by former pitcher C.J. Nitkowski sums up the feeling around baseball: Players Overwhelmingly Support Papelbon. That said, Papelbon was an idiot (it came naturally, we're sure, based on his Red Sox history). He acknowledged later that it wasn't his place to admonish Harper in that spot, that it's Williams' job to do that. And oh, this: Stop choking dudes, Pap. Too late, though. Washington's collapse was complete last week when the Mets clinched the NL East. This is the fallout. And it ain't pretty.

We like to party here at Smack Apparel. But then, you knew that, didn't you? It's Friday, y'all. Let it ALLLLLLL hang out ... [wpvideo Jiz1phKx]

[caption id="attachment_1112" align="aligncenter" width="474"] Pete Rose: Hall of Famer? The numbers say hell, yes. MLB says hell, no. At least not yet.[/caption] If we here at the Smack Zone were the gambling types (shut up!), we'd put the odds of Pete Rose getting into the Baseball Hall of Fame during his lifetime at about 4,256-to-1. Yes, he remains the all-time hit king (the 4,256 part). But there is the lingering matter of that whole gambling on baseball thing. And, you know, lying about it. And, you know, sort of not really acting like the rules applied to him. But, hey. This is Pete FREAKING Rose we're talking about here. He embodied the game for a quarter-century. He inspired a generation of kids to run hard to first base after a walk and to dive head-first into anything and everything. So, now it comes out that Commissioner Rob Manfred -- the fourth commissioner to preside over Rose's lifetime ban from the game -- somehow managed to avoid all the pope traffic to meet with Pete in MLB's NYC office on Thursday. Manfred says he'll make his decision about potential reinstatement for Rose by the end of this year. [caption id="attachment_1114" align="alignleft" width="175"] Pete Rose: Hall of Famer? Signs aren't great, but there is hope.[/caption] Will it happen? Will the game's all-time leader in hits finally become eligible for enshrinement into the Hall? Well, it's not looking great. Manfred already denied a petition for reinstatement of infamous Black Sox anti-hero, Shoeless Joe Jackson. And ESPN sources are telling them that reinstatement is unlikely. Still ... we'll see. Manfred allowed Rose to participate in the All-Star Game in Cincinnati this past summer, so that's a good sign. Right? Right? At least there's hope.